Image credit: Photo illustration by Becky Harlan/NPR
Amy Chan vividly recalls the moment her relationship ended. Discovering her partner’s infidelity, she collapsed onto the floor, devastated. The separation shook the foundation of her dreams, her plans for the future including the ideal home and family.
She says, “I put so much of my identity in him, in our future plan, that without that, I didn’t know who I was.” The breakup led to years of battling depression and anxiety. Friends stepped in to ensure she ate adequately during those dark times. Fortunately, Chan emerged stronger, learning from the experience to establish Renew Breakup Bootcamp, a retreat offering guidance through relationship experts. She’s also penned a book, Breakup Bootcamp: The Science of Rewiring Your Heart.
Breakups vary widely in nature, from abrupt endings to gradual dissolutions. Yet, they unfailingly cause pain. Recognizing this pain is crucial. Breakups deserve respect. According to Naomi Eisenberger, a psychology professor at UCLA, being in love activates certain reward-related regions in our brain, akin to enjoying chocolate or winning money. Conversely, rejection triggers regions associated with physical pain. Clinical psychologist Orna Guralnik, featured in Showtime’s documentary Couples Therapy, advises giving breakups due attention and self-care.
“A breakup is worthy of your care, of paying attention to your feelings and not expecting to breeze through it,” Guralnik states.
Chan describes the process as mourning. Friends might lose patience and urge moving on, but feeling a range of emotions is normal. Like mourning, healing requires time and effort.
Avoid Substance Crutches
Intoxication hampers your brain’s rational capacities, essential for overcoming heartbreak. Chan warns of substances amplifying negative emotions, risking regrettable decisions. Staying clear-headed improves clarity, a necessity for healing.
Embrace Reality: Accepting the Breakup
This step may seem challenging. Shock follows a breakup, your body searching for familiar “love hormones.” Reliving old memories by browsing past texts or social media prolongs ongoing pain. Chan advises cutting ties with your ex unless necessary.
“Closure isn’t what they need. Relief from pain is,” Chan asserts.
Recognizing the pain stemming from separation, not the ex, helps in moving forward. Avoid villainizing or idealizing your ex, as reality lies in focusing on personal growth.
Self-Reflection After Breakup
The aftermath offers personal insights. Chan encourages clients to recount their breakup story to spot “thinking traps” such as generalizations or black-and-white thinking. Revisiting past relationships can uncover recurring patterns of abandonment.
Guralnik warns against thoughts rooted in shame. Actions like controlling behavior are worth reflection, but avoid defining yourself negatively. Self-honesty assists in growth.
Recognize Stagnation
Recovery timelines vary individually. Guralnik emphasizes that processing grief is personal and sometimes lengthy. Repetitive thoughts indicate stagnation. A friend helped Chan by questioning whether her story benefited her.
If stuck in emotional cycles, adopt techniques like standing tall or changing your music playlist. Exercise and socializing can naturally ease pain. Redirect energy into hobbies or passions.
Steps Towards Dating Again
No precise rules dictate readiness for dating. Genuine interest in meeting others should drive this decision, not distraction from past pain.
“Only way to know is to try,” Chan advises. “If it feels like square one again, that’s okay.”
Gradual easing into dating reflects progress, though remnants of past feelings may remain.
Recovering from heartache is achievable. The journey may be long, but each step forward holds value.
This article was produced by Clare Marie Schneider. Share your life hacks via 202-216-9823 or [email protected]. Tips may feature in future episodes. For more insights, subscribe to our newsletter.