A few weeks ago, my daughter returned from school, upset that she wasn’t invited to her friend Samantha’s birthday party. Twenty kids were invited, and she felt left out. Faced with this, I had two options: letting her feel the disappointment or calling Samantha’s mom for an invitation. I chose the former, realizing the importance of offering support rather than shielding her from every hardship.
Parents often struggle with the instinct to protect their children from pain. It’s critical to distinguish between supporting them through disappointment and ensuring they never experience it. Our society tends to exaggerate childhood struggles, labeling normal emotions as disorders. Sadness is seen as depression; meanness, as bullying; and frustration, as emotional instability. We often mistake ordinary issues as problems needing intervention, pressuring parents to constantly act.
Life is inherently messy and full of uncomfortable moments.
Not every negative feeling indicates a problem needing a solution. Learning how to cope with adversity is essential for development. It helps children identify their values, set expectations, solve issues, and build relationships. Focusing solely on mental health protection ignores that true mental health involves handling, not avoiding, negative emotions.
Resilience and competence grow with experience. Children must face manageable challenges and explore their own solutions. Experiencing failure is crucial for learning how to recover from setbacks. Without feeling disappointment, they miss the chance to develop recovery skills.
Parents play a vital role in fostering self-efficacy. By letting children handle challenges, we show them they can succeed independently. Conversely, frequent intervention implies they lack the capability to solve problems. It’s like trying to teach swimming outside the water; without practice, skills won’t develop.
Constant rescue efforts can have three adverse effects. Firstly, it diminishes self-efficacy. Children may rely on adults for problem-solving and not trust their own capabilities. Secondly, it promotes avoidance. Children may view unpleasant emotions as intolerable, rather than manageable. Lastly, it creates unrealistic expectations. Expecting the world to cater to their preferences, rather than learning to handle life’s challenges.
Support is necessary; sometimes demands must be relaxed. However, continually removing challenges affects long-term growth. Providing space for children to develop their solutions is crucial. Validation of feelings without turning them into crises followed by encouragement for independent problem-solving offers better outcomes. Many times, the best intervention is allowing them to experience and move past the emotions.
Reflecting on my daughter and the birthday party, I see value in this experience. Perhaps she’ll find the motivation to make a new friend or learn to cope with exclusion. These experiences serve meaningful developmental purposes. My role isn’t to remove adversity, but to equip her to handle life’s inevitable challenges. I hope to raise someone who can get back up after falling, ready to face life’s difficulties.
Katie S. Davis, PsyD., is a clinical neuropsychologist specializing in therapy and cognitive support for children with developmental disorders. She authored Actually, You’re Fine, published by Balance on October 13, 2026.