When relationships become strained, deciding whether to stay or step back can be difficult. KC Davis, a therapist, explores these dilemmas in her book Who Deserves Your Love: How to Create Boundaries to Start, Strengthen, or End Any Relationship. Her work provides practical strategies for managing complicated relationships with family members, romantic partners, or friends.
The Relationship Decision Tree
Davis introduces a tool called “The Relationship Decision Tree”. This flowchart helps individuals assess whether to engage further in a relationship or to distance themselves.
Key Questions to Consider
Why Is This Behavior Objectionable?
Identify specific reasons why someone’s behavior bothers you. Understanding whether it is merely a preference or something genuinely harmful is crucial. For example, if a roommate ignores chores, assess if it simply annoys you or if it causes greater issues, such as attracting pests.
Are They Willing to Change?
Communication is crucial. Discuss the behavior with the individual involved to see if they’re open to altering their actions. For example, negotiate tasks like alternating cooking and cleaning if daily routines cause conflict.
Does Staying in This Relationship Violate My Values?
Evaluate whether staying compromises your core values such as physical and psychological safety. If you cannot meet key responsibilities, it might be time to rethink the relationship.
Would Leaving This Relationship Violate My Values?
Even if staying does not violate values, consider the implications of leaving. Assess your obligations and the depth of your relationship with the person concerned.
If I Want to Disengage, What Could That Look Like?
Disengagement varies by situation. In a marriage, it might involve a divorce or remain as co-parents. With a friend, it might mean decreasing one-on-one interactions while remaining in the same social group.
If I Want to Maintain the Relationship, How Could I Do So with Boundaries?
Set clear boundaries to safeguard your wellbeing. For instance, if your father with dementia is verbally abusive, limit visits and seek support. Or hire help if a partner neglects household chores.
Davis emphasizes the importance of creating boundaries to maintain personal wellbeing while remaining in valued relationships.
If you or a loved one is experiencing intimate partner violence, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. For further resources, listen to Life Kit on Apple Podcasts and Spotify. Connect with Life Kit on Instagram at @nprlifekit or contact them via voicemail at 202-216-9823 or email at [email protected].