Photo Illustration by Becky Harlan/NPR Photo Illustration by Becky Harlan/NPR
In my late 20s, stress weighed heavily on me. I held a full-time journalism job in public radio, a position I had long desired. Each day involved filing countless news stories and working early shifts. Deadlines drove me to use Pepto Bismol for stress relief. I craved travel, regular exercise, and more time outdoors, but pursuing these goals seemed like it might require quitting my job.
Satya Doyle Byock, a psychotherapist, explains this conflict as a struggle between two desires: meaning and stability. This tug-of-war is common in what is known as the “quarterlife” stage — the period between adolescence and midlife. Byock’s book, Quarterlife: The Search for Self in Early Adulthood, offers wisdom for navigating this uncertain stage.
Left: A portrait of author Satya Doyle Byock. Right: The cover of her book, Quarterlife: The Search for Self in Early Adulthood. Left: Summer Luu; Right: Random House
Byock mentions that individuals might desire both a single life and a family life with children. This split can create confusion. To assist people in finding balance, she developed “My Two Conflicting Selves,” a drawing exercise. It involves creating stick figures to represent these sides, listing their wants and needs, and seeking a way to integrate these disparate worlds.
The exercise is not limited to those in their quarterlife but for anyone feeling torn between two paths. Byock, who manages a private therapy practice in Portland, Oregon, lays out this process, which takes about 15 minutes and requires only paper and a pen or pencil.
Step 1: Draw Your Stick Figures
Fold a sheet of paper in half and draw a stick figure on each side. One figure depicts your “stability” side seeking safety and grounding. The other represents “meaning,” aiming for adventure and freedom.
Step 2: Name Each Side of Your Personality
Assign names to each figure, inspired by media or personal nicknames. These names make intangible aspects of yourself tangible, facilitating discussions in life or therapy sessions.
Step 3: Write a Narrative Around Your Two Sides
Explore each character’s traits to highlight internal conflicts. Consider:
- Job
- Relationship status
- Clothing style
- Pet ownership
- Religion or spirituality
- Living location
- Leisure activities
- Hobbies
- Dream vacation
- Children
Answer honestly, reflecting true wishes of each personality side.
Step 4: Observe Your Two Sides’ Wishes and Needs
Reflect on similarities and differences between your responses for each figure. This insight can help reveal underlying tensions and mutual desires.
Step 5: Figure Out How to Fulfill Both Sides of Yourself
Evaluate which side dominates your life using percentages. Decide if the balance satisfies you. Adjustments could involve activities that incorporate aspects of both sides.
Hang the completed exercise as a visual reminder of your aspirations and both sides’ coexistence within you.
The audio portion of this episode was produced by Clare Marie Schneider, and the digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib. We’d love to hear from you. Leave a voicemail at 202-216-9823 or email at [email protected]. Listen to Life Kit on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, or sign up for our newsletter.