Many Americans face challenges in modern dating. The solution is not found in new apps or catchy pickup lines. Psychologists highlight the importance of being comfortable alone before pursuing a relationship. This perspective comes from Dr. Dan Rosenfeld, a psychologist, dating coach, and author based in California. He believes that the biggest mistake people make in their romantic pursuits occurs before meeting a partner.
“Don’t date to escape loneliness. Instead, learn to be at peace while you’re alone,” Rosenfeld stated in comments to Newsweek. “Only then can you choose a partner intentionally, rather than cling to one out of fear.”
Rosenfeld’s approach is based on years of clinical work and coaching. It emphasizes that readiness for love is determined not by a desire for companionship but by an ability to sit comfortably alone. He wishes everyone would internalize this before opening a dating app.
With a Ph.D. in psychology, Rosenfeld has dedicated his career to examining the emotional elements that influence relationships. His advice focuses on helping people become worth choosing and capable of making wise choices.
Heal First, Date Second
Central to Rosenfeld’s message is the notion that unresolved emotional pain affects the person and becomes a shared burden if not addressed before dating.
“Heal before you date because unresolved wounds often show up as jealousy, avoidance or neediness in relationships,” Rosenfeld explained. “When you bring unhealed trauma into a relationship, you’re asking someone else to hold a weight you haven’t yet learned to hold yourself.”
This dynamic is often observed in couples’ counseling. Partners may unconsciously project fears of abandonment, betrayal, or inadequacy onto new relationships, recreating the pain they hope to escape.
Rosenfeld believes self-awareness, not chemistry, is crucial for breaking this cycle.
Why Attachment Styles Matter
Understanding the psychological framework behind these patterns is essential. Attachment theory, which posits that early bonds with caregivers shape adult relationships, has gained popularity recently. It appears in various media, from TikTok therapy content to bestselling books on relationships.
Rosenfeld affirms this concept as valuable.
“Attachment styles are real and worth understanding,” he said. “Knowing whether you’re anxious, avoidant, or secure will explain a tremendous amount about your relationship patterns.”
Recognizing one’s attachment style—anxious, avoidant, or secure—can reveal reasons behind repeated relationship failures, even when a partner seems “perfect.”
Know What Actually Makes You Happy
Rosenfeld highlights another overlooked point: the gap between what people think they want and what truly makes them happy.
“Know the difference between your ‘type’ and what kind of person actually makes you happy,” he stated. “They’re often not the same thing. Learning to tell them apart is one of the most significant steps in finding your person.”
People often gravitate toward familiar traits or physical types, sometimes linked to early attachment figures. Even when these patterns lead to dissatisfaction or heartbreak, Rosenfeld advises weighing instinctual attraction against actual outcomes.
Ultimately, he emphasizes self-possession over self-abandonment.
“Don’t focus on being chosen, instead, focus on becoming someone who chooses well,” Rosenfeld concluded. “That’s where your power lives. It always will.”
This message offers a profound perspective on pursuing relationships. Contact Newsweek editors on this story: Kara Dolman and Tony Phillips. Have you noticed any red flags that made you end a relationship? Let us know via [email protected]. We can ask experts for advice, and your story could be featured on Newsweek.