Psychologist Shefali Tsabary, author of The Parenting Map: Step-by-Step Solutions to Consciously Create the Ultimate Parent-Child Relationship, provides insights into conscious parenting. Contrary to traditional approaches, she advises against trying to control your child. Instead, focus on your reactions to their behavior.
Self-Reflection over Control
Tsabary emphasizes that parenting issues often stem more from the parent’s actions than the child’s behavior. She claims, “It’s only 10 percent what the child is doing and 90 percent what the parent is doing.” Being a conscious parent requires intention and practice, as yelling is easy but patience and awareness are not.
Avoid Power Struggles
Parents often engage in unnecessary conflicts, aiming to be right instead of understanding their children. Tsabary offers tips for intentional parenting:
Move Away from Shame and Blame
Begin by recognizing that shame and blame are ineffective. A parenting style based on fear prevents meaningful connection. Tsabary proposes viewing the relationship as a reciprocal partnership.
Act from Humility
Your children are here to live their lives, not yours. Overcoming the urge to dictate their choices—such as forcing unwanted piano lessons—aligns actions with their desires. Guide them, but avoid micromanagement.
Reframe Disrespect
Understanding that supposed disrespect, like refusing chores, is a misinterpretation of typical child behavior. Such reactions often reflect parental insecurities. Addressing personal issues first aids in managing children’s feelings.
Manage Expectations
Parents should recognize and question the fantasies they hold about their children. These fantasies may reflect personal desires or insecurities. Focus on what both the parent and child genuinely need.
Be in Charge, Not in Control
Differentiate between being in charge and trying to control every action. For instance, manage the child’s environment by not storing sweets rather than punishing them for eating cookies. Expect reactions from overstimulated children, especially in high-stimulus environments like stores or theme parks. Setting realistic expectations lowers the chance of conflicts.
The audio portion of this episode was produced by Clare Marie Schneider and edited by Meghan Keane. You can leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823 or email at [email protected]. Listen to Life Kit on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, or subscribe to our newsletter for more insights.