Sometimes you meet someone and feel an instant connection. The conversation flows, they make you laugh, and you want to know more about them. You might say, “We should get together sometime!” But nebulous plans rarely materialize. Kat Vellos, author of We Should Get Together: The Secret to Cultivating Better Friendships, suggests a different approach. Pull out your calendar, pick a date, and decide on an activity together.
“Sometime” is too vague, Vellos advises. Specific plans increase the chances of getting together. If nurturing new friendships feels rusty, develop what Vellos calls “friendship intuition”. This involves knowing who to prioritize, how to spend time together, and what to do if vibes are lacking.
Vellos, in a discussion with Life Kit, shares scientific insights and professional experience as a friendship coach. She assists people struggling to forge friendships and collaborates with city planners to design community spaces for connection. Below are some considerations on identifying potential friends in community settings like group dinners.
Spotting Potential Friends
Notice who you feel comfortable with and who expresses genuine interest in knowing more about you. It’s not always the most charming person; they might lack the grounding influence needed in friendships.
Initiating Plans
Don’t wait too long to see a new acquaintance again. That delay might extinguish initial sparks of interest. Research by Jeffrey Hall, a communication studies professor at the University of Kansas, quantifies friendship formation time, recommending over 30 hours for transitioning acquaintances to casual friends. These hours should come early in the relationship.
Adults often follow unwritten rules about contact frequency. These rules might hinder budding friendships. Overcoming these barriers can help friendships develop and thrive.
Choosing Activities
Select memorable activities over routine ones like coffee dates. Coffee is easily canceled and forgettable. Instead, engage in activities with a personal interest. For instance, suggest attending a knitting exhibit if your friend appreciates yarn art.
Researchers at Cornell University found that unique shared experiences strengthen bonds faster than ordinary ones. Novelty captures attention, creating memorable shared experiences.
Handling Genuine Disinterest
It’s okay if you don’t click with someone. Determine whether to maintain distant acquaintance status or cut ties altogether. Vellos describes concentric relationship circles, from an inner circle to strangers. Move people accordingly based on your comfort and interaction preferences.
Cultivating Lasting Friendships
To strengthen new friendships, Vellos identifies four seeds of connection: compatibility, frequency, proximity, and commitment. Compatibility involves mutual interests. Frequency measures how often you meet. Proximity assesses physical closeness and face-to-face time. Commitment gauges your dedication over time. These elements contribute to durable friendships.
The article was edited by Meghan Keane. We welcome your feedback. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823 or email at [email protected]. Listen to Life Kit on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, and subscribe to our newsletter. Follow us on Instagram: @nprlifekit.