Dividing household labor with a partner after welcoming a baby requires intention, communication, and flexibility. Couples often have a general plan for sharing chores before having children. One may cook and walk the dog, while the other cleans and runs errands. But these roles can shift with a new baby in the house.
According to couples coach Aaron Steinberg, the division of roles is the most significant challenge new parents face. Both may feel overwhelmed by the increased workload, leading to resentment amid the stress of caring for a newborn. To combat this, it’s vital to discuss household and child care duties well before the baby arrives.
Write Down All Your Chores
Understanding the full scope of household tasks is essential. Steinberg advises partners to sit down and list all chores, including anticipated child care duties. Consider the following:
- Daily chores like laundry and dishes
- Less visible labor, such as meal planning and scheduling doctor’s appointments
- Projects like setting up the nursery
- Everyday tasks for the baby, such as washing bottles
- Baby-related administrative tasks like dealing with hospital bills
Discuss and Assign Tasks
With your list ready, discuss which chores each of you can take on after the baby’s arrival. Relationship scientist and therapist Shy Porter suggests being as detailed as possible. Determine whether both of you will attend pediatric appointments or who will leave work if the baby is sick at daycare.
Consider these points:
- Avoid assigning all baby-related tasks to the birthing parent. Both should engage with these new responsibilities.
- Play to individual strengths. For example, if you enjoy cooking, handle meal prep while your partner takes over dishes.
- Discuss the emotional weight of tasks. Some chores may seem simple to one but daunting to another. Adjust responsibilities accordingly.
- Avoid a strict 50-50 split. Some duties, like breastfeeding, naturally fall to one partner.
Remain Flexible
Expect chore assignments to change once the baby arrives. Regularly reevaluate your plan to prevent frustration. Steinberg recommends scheduling time to discuss how things are progressing and making necessary adjustments. Factors such as work schedules or evolving baby needs might require changes.
Avoid Keeping Score
Counting and comparing duties can lead to dissatisfaction and anger. Instead, drop assumptions about each other’s workload and offer help when possible. For example, if your partner hasn’t yet done the laundry because they’re busy with the baby, take the initiative and start it yourself.
Seek Outside Help
If available, incorporate help from friends, family, or paid caregivers. Here are ways they might assist:
- Engage them for childcare. Families nearby can follow a rotation schedule for babysitting support.
- Organize a meal train. Reduce stress by letting others provide meals during the early postpartum period.
- Communicate openly. Encourage friends and family to check in through texts or calls, helping to alleviate feelings of isolation.
Teamwork is crucial for navigating the early days of parenthood. Maintaining a cooperative spirit helps manage the challenges ahead.
The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual editor is Beck Harlan. We’d love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at [email protected]. Listen to Life Kit on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, and sign up for our newsletter.