Journalist Meredith Lepore confessed to holding grudges for extended periods, sometimes lasting five to seven years or even longer. An example from 12 years ago involved her friends not giving her a significant role in organizing a bachelorette party, which discouraged her from planning similar events afterward. Another incident in her twenties involved a roommate who criticized her for locking herself out of their apartment. Lepore expressed willingness to share a drink with this roommate, but would not consider the roommate a friend.
Grudges can stem from seemingly minor incidents, such as a college incident where a missing birthday cake left Lepore frustrated. She discovered a boy had taken the cake and bragged about it, a grievance she held onto for years, although she has since moved on.
According to Lepore, holding grudges might run in her family; her father often joked about writing a book titled ‘Grudges I’ve Had.’ This trait, enhanced by her sensitivity, makes grudges difficult to shake off.
A survey revealed that 78% of adults harbor some lingering resentment, often simultaneously managing multiple grudges. Psychotherapist Nancy Colier has observed numerous patients in her practice holding grudges. Even minor events can develop into burdensome grievances. Colier referenced a patient in her fifties who continued to hold a grudge from high school related to a teenage dispute.
Harboring grudges is counterproductive; individuals may believe they are retaliating against others, but in reality, they harm themselves. Colier warns that it’s like setting oneself on fire, hoping the other person suffers from smoke inhalation. Harvard epidemiology professor Tyler VanderWeele compared it to drinking poison with the hope that someone else dies, emphasizing that grudges are detrimental to health, linked to cardiovascular issues, depression, and anxiety.
Our society has shifted its perception on airing grudges; once discouraged, they have become more prevalent due to social media and changing discussions around character. Politically, it appears grudges are worn openly by leaders, which Colier likened to childlike behavior.
VanderWeele advocates forgiveness as the solution, encouraging a shift from ill will to goodwill, even if it’s only one step in achieving reconciliation. Anger, when held onto, can turn into an unhealthy fixation.
Author Immaculée Ilibagiza personifies the transformative power of forgiveness. Despite losing most of her family during the Rwandan genocide, her experience hiding in a bathroom for months with other women led her to confront her anger. She learned letting go of that rage helped her rather than the perpetrators. Ilibagiza now promotes forgiveness worldwide.
VanderWeele points to Ilibagiza’s experience as a profound example of forgiveness’s freedoms. Colier insists that entrusting one’s well-being to others’ actions can lead to dependency, recommending self-ownership of one’s mental state. Removing grudges from personal narratives can bring equanimity and emotional independence.