The concept of ‘quiet quitting’ extends beyond the workplace to describe a phenomenon some couples experience in marriage. It refers to partners who stay together while reducing emotional effort and engagement in their relationship. Although daily responsibilities like household chores and parenting may continue, one partner might become emotionally and physically detached.
This term has garnered attention on social media, with individuals sharing personal accounts of remaining in marriages despite feeling disengaged. Lisa Brookes Kift, a licensed marriage and family therapist from Marin Therapy and Counseling in California, explains that a lack of conflict isn’t always a positive sign. ‘It’s a myth that an absence of arguing in a relationship automatically means the relationship is healthy,’ she states. Avoiding conflict can lead to unresolved issues eroding the emotional safety of the relationship.
A person’s attachment style significantly affects how they handle marital challenges. Kift suggests that individuals with an avoidant style may isolate themselves to cope, while those with a secure attachment are more likely to believe issues can be resolved, often giving their partner the benefit of the doubt.
Previous experiences with trust and emotional needs also shape how partners handle relationship stress. If early lessons involved disappointments, partners might lose hope when similar patterns appear in adult relationships. As Kift notes, ‘Early lessons about trust, worthiness, and whether personal needs will be met heavily influence how a partner handles marital distress.’
Kift identifies several signs indicating emotional disengagement in a marriage:
- Decline in open communication
- Unresolved conflicts
- Growing impatience
- Assuming the worst about a partner’s intentions
Without addressing these issues, a relationship risks becoming what journalist Monica Corcoran Harel refers to as ‘parallel play,’ where spouses coexist without meaningful engagement. Repairing such a marriage demands re-engagement from both partners, a challenge when one has emotionally withdrawn. Assumptions of negative intent and constant vigilance for disappointment can further hinder seeing positive changes.
For couples ready to improve their relationship, Kift encourages beginning with a supportive and caring conversation. Explaining one’s commitment to the marriage can open meaningful dialogue. An example statement might include, ‘I know it may not have looked like it, but you and our marriage are very important to me. Can we find a time to sit down and talk?’