At a girls’ flag football tournament in Revere, Massachusetts, an unexpected incident occurred. Two grown men, a coach and a referee, engaged in a physical altercation in front of children who were there to play, not witness such behavior. Although both men later offered apologies, their actions left much to be desired in terms of setting a proper example.
There is a common narrative painting children today as unable to cope with losing, expecting rewards for mere participation, and requiring constant validation. However, in my role as a psychotherapist, I question if we have misdirected our blame. Perhaps, it is not the children who struggle with disappointment, but rather the parents who cannot bear to watch their kids face it.
Spend a Saturday at a youth sports event and observe the parents. Many yell at referees and react to missed calls as if personally affronted. A father might chide his son for making excuses after a failed hit, only to verbally attack the umpire. Conversely, a mother encourages her daughter to show sportsmanship, yet criticizes the coach for limited playtime. These parents often speak about a ‘soft’ generation, but once a decision goes against them, they act more childishly than their children.
A parent may punish a child for yelling at a teacher but find no issue with raising their voice at an official. Such behavior is often rationalized as being protective, but that does not justify acting like a bully.
For some, there seems to be a link between their child’s achievements in sports and their own self-esteem. When the child wins, pride follows; a loss brings shame. A father who never reached varsity might interpret his son’s bench position as a personal slight, trying to resolve past failures through his child’s experiences.
Youth sports have developed into a costly enterprise. Families invest thousands in travel teams, private coaching, and tournaments, with discussions of college scholarships often starting before children reach their teenage years. This financial commitment can foster a sense of entitlement. If their child is not starting, parents may accuse coaches of favoritism. If the team fails, incompetence is blamed, overlooking that sometimes other players or teams are simply better.
We have grown accustomed to treating children’s disappointments as crises that need resolution. Yet, losing a game or being benched does not constitute an emergency. Feedback from a coach to improve should not be mistaken for inappropriate behavior. Nonetheless, some parents react as if their children have been severely wronged.
A child who sits out may be upset briefly, perhaps venting during the drive home before moving on. Meanwhile, the parent’s resentment lingers, replaying perceived injustices. They cannot let go of grievances that their children have already forgotten.
Such parental attitudes rob children of valuable lessons sports can teach. Kids need to understand that effort does not guarantee victory, that others may surpass them, and that unfair events can occur. Importantly, they should learn to cope with disappointment without expecting parental interference.
Adults also face similar challenges; for example, being passed over at work often leads to complaints rather than contemplation of self-improvement. More effort is focused on assigning blame than developing strategies for personal growth.
Parents should undoubtedly intervene if child abuse or genuine mistreatment is present. However, missing the starting lineup or losing a game does not qualify as mistreatment. There is a clear distinction between protecting children from harm and shielding them from disappointment.
Returning to the flag football incident in Massachusetts, the altercation between adults disrupted a children’s game. Had a child exhibited such conduct, they likely would have been removed from play. Yet, it was the grown men who required intervention.
The girls came ready to enjoy a game of football, but the focus shifted to two adults acting improperly. Before criticizing today’s youth for being ‘soft’, adults watching from the sidelines should reconsider their own behavior. When a child’s sports match can spoil an entire weekend for an adult, perhaps it is not the child who needs maturing.